Scoop of Tuna
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
As I laid in bed Sunday night, I just stared at the Hook's & 8's logo, over and over, and over, and tried to figure out what went wrong?
I thought to myself, well the Patriots lost their first game of the season to the Bengals the first year they won it all. Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team and we know how his career ended up. Even Ashlee Simpson got caught lip-syncing on her Saturday Night Live debut and she... OK, it doesn't always work out that well after a shaky start and the Tuna is getting the feeling he picked the wrong week to quit smoking. But even amidst the bickering of a boney Empire or the relentless bantering of a somewhat troubled Blue Steel partner, the Tuna managed to ignore those nicotine cravings, focus attention away from the 500 lb. woman and instead, instill confidence to my team of 18.
For me, Sunday was like the anticipation of a 14 year old waiting to lose your virginity to his girlfriend. You wait all this time to enjoy one of the great pleasures in life. Wednesday night you have "the talk" to discuss if, where and when. Thursday, things get pretty serious but since the parents were home the plan was to hold off and wait until Sunday. Finally, in the moment, ya just can't get it up no matter how hard you try or how long you wait. Well, that was my experience with my team this opening weekend, the 14 Year Old Erectile Dysfunctional Virgin, Tuna Delight. Rest assure I will be shoving 20 mg's of Levitra down my player's throats this Sunday. I just hope Deutsch doesn't get mad I took his stash.
Conspiracy theorists are saying that while in Miami, Labor Day Weekend, Scott bumped into Mike Anderson at a club one night. While partying with him all through the night, Anderson passed out after realizing that nobody can keep up with Scotty Wags. As soon as his eyes closed, Scott punched him in the rib cage and ran. The Realists are wondering if Mike Anderson was, like George Costanza, a marine biologist as opposed to a US marine. That must have been it. He just didn't want to hurt the Dolphins. For me, I'm just trying to figure out if that was "ill" or "ill". Regardless, the only reality the Tuna is thankful for, is that when handed the ball in the red zone, Tatum Bell curled up in the fetal position quicker than Mikey D on one of his lonely nights. Aside from a 30 yard scamper, Bell went 12 for 17 for the game against a porous Miami run-defense. Something tells me the Broncos will find success running the ball this year no matter who is in their backfield. Well, Jake Plummer sure hopes so at least. Not even his sexy mustache could help him out of throwing a 45% completion percentage, just edging out David Carr's league worst 43%.
Speaking of sucking, it sucks that I can't even make fun of AJ Ball this week given the performance the Tuna put up.
For as bad of a game as Daunte Culpepper had, and it can't get worse than that, he did end up with 233 yards passing and would've had 2 TD's if not for pointless penalties. He also finished 22-33, matching his 69% completion percentage acheived last year. But the FIVE turnovers is just so atrocious. Think about if a running back or a receiver lost 5 fumbles in a game. They would not be playing the next game. The Vikings real problem though, is Mike Tice. This guy is holding a grudge against Mewelde Moore for giving vague answers about his injuries. He flat out refused to put him in on offense on Sunday. At some point there is going to be an intervention with their coaching staff who have been clamoring for Mewelde to be their premiere back all preseason. I'm not biased or anything but that's just how it is. Anyone want Super Bowl tickets?
Fact of the Week-
Drob runs about 10 times as many miles on a given day than all of the NFL running backs run on a given week, combined!!! Is it possible we'll see Drob replace "Fast" Willie Parker come Week 3?
The Sports Illustrated Curse Hits the Big Time-
After the draft, the Pigskin Pimps were anointed the frontrunner to win it all. After handling the #1 slot with poise and control and surrounding Tazmanian Tomlinson with the necessary talent they earned the right to be coined the Big Time frontrunner. Unfortunately, that buzz didn't last that long when their #1 WR, Javon Walker became the first player to go buh-bye. But with one buh-bye, they did have one big "hellllllo". Hello, Larry Fitzgerald. I think we're all still a little skeptical of Larry, but it'll take one more productive outing for us all to become believers and next week's matchup against St Louis just may give him that opportunity.
Interview of the Week-
Tuna: Mr. Horowitz, How did you think your team did this week?
Josh: How do I think my team did this week? (stare)
Tuna: Yeah, were you happy with how Deuce started off?
Josh: Was I happy with how Deuce started? (smirk)
Tuna: Well, were you at least impressed with Steve Smith?
Josh: Was I impressed with Steeeeve? (chuckle)
Tuna: Are you happy you won?
Josh: We won. Blue Steel (smirk, chuckle, hug...)
That said (I think), the most impressive player of the day was undoubtedly Steve Smith. Yeah, Larry Fitzgerald had a better day statistically but Steve Smith was simply a beast on the field. Now Smith was definitely high atop the Tuna's rankings, but I think everyone, including myself, underestimated the talent, heart and courage this guy has. Not sure what it is about Carolina and their receivers, but if Smith plays with half the effort he displayed on Sunday, we're looking at another #1 ranking in Big Time for a fantasy receiver from the Panther squad. Then again, the Panthers actually did appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated and their injuries have already started...again...
Take a look at Sandler's team. They have a serious bunch of psycho's in TO and Jamal. Did I ever mention that Sandler is cousin's with Kamber?
When I hear the names Chris Brown and Travis Henry I don't even let myself even start to think about their potential. Is there anything more bugger than being a RB for TEN in Fantasy Football this year? Besides having your kicker deliver negative pts of course.
Big Time Reserve of the Week-
Keenan McCardell rode the pine for Hard Knocks which goes to show you the type of week they had given their total active points. Will he continue to be a threat with Gates back next week? Will Gates become less consistent with an emerging receiving core? Do you think Sealove and Curtis are even allowed to watch football on Sunday?
Questions, questions...we want answers.
How many of you realized that Krazy-Eyes Killa's is a reference from Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm? Im guessing....no more than 5 of you. Speaking of team names, there's a petition floating around asking for the removal of the name Centaurus after the owner and his little baby were seen on a Gondola ride in Central Park.
Did you ever notice that John Madden always talks about how he watched one of the kickers kick a real long field goal before the game?
I just knew the Saints were gonna win...yet I took three different teams for my knockout pools, and I'm done. Anyone have a Parliament?
I've been a drunken fool out at night lately, but somehow I think Salis and Coleman make me look like Marisa Cooper on a school day. Don't you get the sense that Coleman is holding back being his real self around our league? When will he let loose?
I'm officially starting my 'When Will Ahman Green Get Benched?' watch, after I successfully predicted that Ramsey would be the first QB to be benched prior to the season. Week 4 is my bet.
I really think my partner looks a lot like Kanye West. You guys do realize I have a partner, right?
I'll tell ya, if Carnell Williams can keep foolin the world with one breakaway run a game, then I'm going out at night and telling chicks my friends call me Cadillac, Cadillac Glantz.
If Arnaz Battle and Matt Jones don't get you pumped for football, you should sleep in on Sundays.
BGoogle Tip of the Day -
Google Alerts: Go to Google News and type in a search for your player. At the bottom of the page you can click on a link that will Google Alert that player for you so that you will be emailed whenever there is any news written about him.
Alright guys, I just realized I have Kyle Boller on my team...enough said.
That's the scoop-
Tuna
I thought to myself, well the Patriots lost their first game of the season to the Bengals the first year they won it all. Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team and we know how his career ended up. Even Ashlee Simpson got caught lip-syncing on her Saturday Night Live debut and she... OK, it doesn't always work out that well after a shaky start and the Tuna is getting the feeling he picked the wrong week to quit smoking. But even amidst the bickering of a boney Empire or the relentless bantering of a somewhat troubled Blue Steel partner, the Tuna managed to ignore those nicotine cravings, focus attention away from the 500 lb. woman and instead, instill confidence to my team of 18.
For me, Sunday was like the anticipation of a 14 year old waiting to lose your virginity to his girlfriend. You wait all this time to enjoy one of the great pleasures in life. Wednesday night you have "the talk" to discuss if, where and when. Thursday, things get pretty serious but since the parents were home the plan was to hold off and wait until Sunday. Finally, in the moment, ya just can't get it up no matter how hard you try or how long you wait. Well, that was my experience with my team this opening weekend, the 14 Year Old Erectile Dysfunctional Virgin, Tuna Delight. Rest assure I will be shoving 20 mg's of Levitra down my player's throats this Sunday. I just hope Deutsch doesn't get mad I took his stash.
Conspiracy theorists are saying that while in Miami, Labor Day Weekend, Scott bumped into Mike Anderson at a club one night. While partying with him all through the night, Anderson passed out after realizing that nobody can keep up with Scotty Wags. As soon as his eyes closed, Scott punched him in the rib cage and ran. The Realists are wondering if Mike Anderson was, like George Costanza, a marine biologist as opposed to a US marine. That must have been it. He just didn't want to hurt the Dolphins. For me, I'm just trying to figure out if that was "ill" or "ill". Regardless, the only reality the Tuna is thankful for, is that when handed the ball in the red zone, Tatum Bell curled up in the fetal position quicker than Mikey D on one of his lonely nights. Aside from a 30 yard scamper, Bell went 12 for 17 for the game against a porous Miami run-defense. Something tells me the Broncos will find success running the ball this year no matter who is in their backfield. Well, Jake Plummer sure hopes so at least. Not even his sexy mustache could help him out of throwing a 45% completion percentage, just edging out David Carr's league worst 43%.
Speaking of sucking, it sucks that I can't even make fun of AJ Ball this week given the performance the Tuna put up.
For as bad of a game as Daunte Culpepper had, and it can't get worse than that, he did end up with 233 yards passing and would've had 2 TD's if not for pointless penalties. He also finished 22-33, matching his 69% completion percentage acheived last year. But the FIVE turnovers is just so atrocious. Think about if a running back or a receiver lost 5 fumbles in a game. They would not be playing the next game. The Vikings real problem though, is Mike Tice. This guy is holding a grudge against Mewelde Moore for giving vague answers about his injuries. He flat out refused to put him in on offense on Sunday. At some point there is going to be an intervention with their coaching staff who have been clamoring for Mewelde to be their premiere back all preseason. I'm not biased or anything but that's just how it is. Anyone want Super Bowl tickets?
Fact of the Week-
Drob runs about 10 times as many miles on a given day than all of the NFL running backs run on a given week, combined!!! Is it possible we'll see Drob replace "Fast" Willie Parker come Week 3?
The Sports Illustrated Curse Hits the Big Time-
After the draft, the Pigskin Pimps were anointed the frontrunner to win it all. After handling the #1 slot with poise and control and surrounding Tazmanian Tomlinson with the necessary talent they earned the right to be coined the Big Time frontrunner. Unfortunately, that buzz didn't last that long when their #1 WR, Javon Walker became the first player to go buh-bye. But with one buh-bye, they did have one big "hellllllo". Hello, Larry Fitzgerald. I think we're all still a little skeptical of Larry, but it'll take one more productive outing for us all to become believers and next week's matchup against St Louis just may give him that opportunity.
Interview of the Week-
Tuna: Mr. Horowitz, How did you think your team did this week?
Josh: How do I think my team did this week? (stare)
Tuna: Yeah, were you happy with how Deuce started off?
Josh: Was I happy with how Deuce started? (smirk)
Tuna: Well, were you at least impressed with Steve Smith?
Josh: Was I impressed with Steeeeve? (chuckle)
Tuna: Are you happy you won?
Josh: We won. Blue Steel (smirk, chuckle, hug...)
That said (I think), the most impressive player of the day was undoubtedly Steve Smith. Yeah, Larry Fitzgerald had a better day statistically but Steve Smith was simply a beast on the field. Now Smith was definitely high atop the Tuna's rankings, but I think everyone, including myself, underestimated the talent, heart and courage this guy has. Not sure what it is about Carolina and their receivers, but if Smith plays with half the effort he displayed on Sunday, we're looking at another #1 ranking in Big Time for a fantasy receiver from the Panther squad. Then again, the Panthers actually did appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated and their injuries have already started...again...
Take a look at Sandler's team. They have a serious bunch of psycho's in TO and Jamal. Did I ever mention that Sandler is cousin's with Kamber?
When I hear the names Chris Brown and Travis Henry I don't even let myself even start to think about their potential. Is there anything more bugger than being a RB for TEN in Fantasy Football this year? Besides having your kicker deliver negative pts of course.
Big Time Reserve of the Week-
Keenan McCardell rode the pine for Hard Knocks which goes to show you the type of week they had given their total active points. Will he continue to be a threat with Gates back next week? Will Gates become less consistent with an emerging receiving core? Do you think Sealove and Curtis are even allowed to watch football on Sunday?
Questions, questions...we want answers.
How many of you realized that Krazy-Eyes Killa's is a reference from Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm? Im guessing....no more than 5 of you. Speaking of team names, there's a petition floating around asking for the removal of the name Centaurus after the owner and his little baby were seen on a Gondola ride in Central Park.
Did you ever notice that John Madden always talks about how he watched one of the kickers kick a real long field goal before the game?
I just knew the Saints were gonna win...yet I took three different teams for my knockout pools, and I'm done. Anyone have a Parliament?
I've been a drunken fool out at night lately, but somehow I think Salis and Coleman make me look like Marisa Cooper on a school day. Don't you get the sense that Coleman is holding back being his real self around our league? When will he let loose?
I'm officially starting my 'When Will Ahman Green Get Benched?' watch, after I successfully predicted that Ramsey would be the first QB to be benched prior to the season. Week 4 is my bet.
I really think my partner looks a lot like Kanye West. You guys do realize I have a partner, right?
I'll tell ya, if Carnell Williams can keep foolin the world with one breakaway run a game, then I'm going out at night and telling chicks my friends call me Cadillac, Cadillac Glantz.
If Arnaz Battle and Matt Jones don't get you pumped for football, you should sleep in on Sundays.
BGoogle Tip of the Day -
Google Alerts: Go to Google News and type in a search for your player. At the bottom of the page you can click on a link that will Google Alert that player for you so that you will be emailed whenever there is any news written about him.
Alright guys, I just realized I have Kyle Boller on my team...enough said.
That's the scoop-
Tuna
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